lilnimf

today its 8th of december..

20 more days.. then its suppose to be our ‘anniversary’? unfortunately..we din last that long..din we?

i still remember the promises that u’ve made..dun worry…i dont think its valid anymore since im not with you anymore..

just reminding you if u ever go with anyone else..the ferris wheel will be taken dwn by 31st December ‘07.

wish all the best to you.

the view’s really great from up there.

is this a price to pay?

if it is..wat was thing that im so-called ‘buying’ again?

recently, i’ve found out that im losing touch on everything that i used to do. i used to draw, after the breakup..i tend not to draw anymore..i have no idea why and its been like..SIX months pass..im losing touch with piano, since i stayed on campus six days a week..i’ve seldom teach sunday skool anymore..i cant really able to connect back with sum relationships with people anymore..

times like this, i felt like sinking into a hole..and remain there for a long time.

i noe it wont help..but i just felt like doin it..just to get away from people. from myslf.

its selfish, im selfish..for once i admit it! thanks for all the people that stick up for me..u noe who u are..my ‘8th uncle’ and my snail..and my flatmate who understand me quite alot because of our thinking..u noe hu u are..i bet ur reading this?lol..

dun worry..im just emoing again..guess there’s no answer in everything but only when God says its time then it will truly unveil itslf?

why am i here?

i make ppl’s life miserable..im a dissapointment.

why do i still have friends? cant they see that im hopeless?

what do they see in me?  what i can see is im difficult.

cant change/ help.i need help.

can anyone fix me? help me? save me?

haha…im back!

its been sooo long ive blog..due to my uni work and all…its been a few hectic months…

im having my break now..but im stuck at home..nothing to do..but 1st im goin to tell you bout my university that im attending..!

im currently studying in NOttingham University Malaysian CAmpus..im on the way doing my FOundation in Business MAnagement. 1st OCt 07 and i’ll be starting my next sem. i’ve made good frens there..most of them are also from engineering students too. haha..i’ll name them one by one..sorry if i miss those names…i will belanja those that i forget loo..lol

oh..im staying in campus too..so i have housemates n roomates.

my roomate : Vanessa Kay

haha..she bright n lovely from Sabah..! very intelligent n always studying!

my housemates : Ai Lyn, Alice and Shi Wei

Ai lyn, loud gurl..likes to EAT! lol..very outspoken gurl and loves to try out new things..

Alice??? haha..super duper blur gurl..(hey merie, sumone actually beat u outha blurness!) lol..from IPOH..i want IPOH SAR HO FUNN! ahem* excuse me..lol and dun look at her like shes so blur..she got a laser mouth if she wants too…and KEvin always get burned everytime..lol now her laser target includes Desmond too!ohh..i forgotten ..shes a KOREAN freak.

Shi Wei is my emotional punchbag..shes really nice n LOUD..lol..she became my support in uni…most of them are..she’s from ipoh too.. she’s got the same mind n thinking as i do..thats why we clicked. *wink

okies…

the guys?

name them cukup la…

kevin lee - grumpy bear.thats all…lol chelsea LOST.

desmond - my caretaker..lol..thanks for breakfast!

favian - hero to…0?   

my hobby in uni now is to irritate n disturb both of them..can curb stress really well..lol

the engineering students..

Jhen..lovely gurl very loud too!lol..

Kon..the kon man..u smelly!

Celestia..super SMART gurl..ask her any maths quest..lol..very nice gurl also..

LEONG..celest’s other half..lol..AKA kimchi man..lol supplier of kim chi in nottingham..or more like to alice..

AH CHan..the guy who teach me how to play guitar..thanks..

GAtes!..how could i forget MR PAgar..?? he’s my basketball fren..lol..let play again this evening..we make a great team dont we..?wakaakakakak

Dennis..dun talk muchl..lol

Ling Keat? haha…very quiet but now its kinda diff..see his true face dy..lol

teddybear Han.. Nike Freak..lol..

thats all…if i forgotten anybody..gimme a shoutout..im sorry!

hmm..thats all for now..signing off now!

im abit naughty now.im doin this while attending IT class.i cant help it now as im feeling so freakingly sick.

sick of everything, sick of uni classes, sick of my sickness! most of all…im sick of keeping all this things with me for all these months.

part of me want to noe the ans, part of me is afraid to ask that question.maybe part of me already knew the ans..and thats why im afraid to ans…*shucks..(its so painful i cant move now…why sum gurls have this unfortunate sickness when its the time of the month again?)im sorry guys for the extra information..

the truth is..(*takes deep breath)

yes. i still do. very much.i dont want anyone else.not thinking of anybody else, sleep..wake up thats what i think about.you.dream..and not want to wake up just to catch a glimpse of ur face. its all i could n want to pray about to God every nite. to talk to you like we used to..talking like best frens n ..

im goin to go crazy if i dont think bout you. i will go crazy if i do think bout you. i think im positively crazy right now.

no. im not goin through a phrase after the break up that ppl tend not to forget their exes that fast. no im not. this i am sure.i am so sure that i am in love with you since the day i fell for you 5 years ago.

when somebody says u will never noe how much u love him/her until he’s/ she’s gone, its true. and i learned it the hard way.

i finally knew the answer to my mother’s question.and i replied her this.

he is ever so truthful to me.saying things that hurts me sumtimes but its true.he’s honest, and nice. every little things that he did to me or to others by treating almost everybody with kindness. i love the way he always msg me n asking bout my day. during the days that ive sumtimes takes things for granted, i wish i could turn back the time.he respects me for who i am n does not question me bout who am i goin out n stuffs. he trusted me alot and i trusted him.he tries to give me everything that i hinted to have. i love to look at his brown eyes that never failed to mezmerise me. i love to stare in his eyes where i could see myself in him. i am a person who does not really express myself through actions..and because of that,i made him doubtin me that if i ever like him. i felt powerless against him when i am near him. i love the way his fingers interwine with mine. i love the way he spoke to me with pure gentleness. i wish i could be in his arms for as long as i live.

i noe everything sounds cheesy n funny to all of you but i cant keep it to myself anymore.i dont know why the song by fergie saying that big gurls dont cry..maybe im the one that’s not grown up yet..im the one thats not immature..i want turn back the clock to the time when its 28th december. i want to stay in ur arms like i did that day.i dont want to go to National Service. i dont want to BE in the middle of Tim’s n my sister’s relationship. i dont want to end up stuck in miri while my relationship is breaking and all i could do is cry. i dont want to write that blog.

everything that ive listed that i dont want happened. O lord..i need your strength n mercy.

The past is somewhat dominant,

forces the future to follow its schemes;

the future felt betrayed,

not knowing what it really means.

haha..the somewhat poem on top is sumthin that i did when i was kinda really depress.

thinking back, i don’t know why am i feeling so depressed. i tend to make things that are small become big. you can say that i am a overeacting gurl.

trying to evaluate myself these few weeks..i’ve found out alot of things about myself. some of it whereby some of the traits that i’ve found out bout myself that i’m not very proud of.

for instance, i can be very overeacting person..my frens often tell me to chill out when im in that mode. i’m an attention seeker..thank God its reduce over the years..i have to admit, im quite ashamed of it. i tend to do stupid things just to get that particular group or sumone’s to notice me.

secondly, i’m a very emofied person too..lol..lil things tend to tick me off. coz i think too much..lol..sensitive? yes..very..

i dont like to cry infront of ppl. truth is that, for my interpretation,me crying outside in public makes me a sissy..i noe i noe..im a gurl n i shouldnt think that way..

i can be very brave and..when im brave..i usually have this adrealine driven trait when my frens are being bullied or dissed..i know sum of u all would think its a dangerous thing to do because i usually deal with guys. (cause guys always disturbs my pretty gurlfrens)

i can be very cold at times.i know and im sorry..if i dont feel like talking..i can do that..for a whole day.i noe its rude and all..im trying to work on that.

anything good bout me?

here are some..i think..

lol..im very protective of my friends..especially gurlfrens..so any guys who’s chasing my gurls..better not hurt them or u’ll be hearing from me soon..lol.

im kinda simple..i dun really fuss bout..like kinda ‘chin chai’ mode but one thing i cant chin chai is ..while im doin my work..like assignments n stuffs there..im alil perfectionist on that part.

i get along with ppl quite easily.i like to hear older ppl’s stories bout their lifes.lol..i noe..u may think its boring..but its kinda like a true stories of life thingie..the things that they went through and all.

im a not to extreme workaholic..but when i start some work or anything..i cant stop until i finish completing it or sumthin.any one who disturbs me at this time would fine me super cranky n irritated.so..please avoid me when u find me doin sumthin with a determined look in my eyes..lol..

im a gadget freak gurl..! i love gadgets..from computers to mobiles n stuffss..the latest techies..i love to get intouch with all that. and anything to do with art..galleries..stuffs like that..comtemporary art..n stuffs..

i love to play sports..! haha..i seldom play anymore but i enjoy sweating myself like a pig..(BUT with proper attire n place)i love hanging out with my frens to shop n hang around..playing pool n chatting away.

thats bout it..lol..hope this blog wont bore you to tears..anyway..for anyone’s information..

my blogs is just for expressing my own feelings..im sorry if my blog offended anyone.

everything has a price to pay; creativity feeds on my despair.

one by one,creativity flows,my sorrow lives..

as i glance through my window,

clouds surrounds, dark and heavy,

mirrored my sorrows.

truth hurts,

tempting Me to lie,to keep a straight face to tell everyone i’m alright,

only God knows why.

The past is somewhat dominant,

forces the future to follow its schemes;

the future felt betrayed,

not knowing what it really means.

wow..its been a long time since ive blog..and many things had happened in these past few weeks..

its freaking hard to believe that im already 18.how time flies. account rights had been change to my name n other sorts of things are sorted out these few weeks after im 18. i never felt so many responsiblities i have to carry starting from now on.

sigh, but life still goes on rite?haha..anyway.i stil have God by my side =P thats a NO prob.lol..

11-14th december 2006..

yeap..it’s the time of the year again..for HUGE camp!!! it actually stands for Have U Got Enuf..get it?lol..ive been joining this camp for like 5 years..since i was 12 years old.till now, even though im 17..im still joining it!lol..although it dun really matter how old you are.. but i do feel old now.lol..im not the oldest there..i meet a few guys there, they’re like 24-25 years old..and they still enjoy this camp..they too had been joining it like 8 years ago till now..lol..

huge camp is actually a camp organised by Youth ALive Malaysia..YAM in short..not the ones that gives u wind when u eat it, mind you..!lol..it is actually a organisation of all the youth’s pastors around malaysia..its a very happening organisation that helps youths around msia..HUGE is held every year without fail in the month of December..meanwhile they’re always having it in melaka..i have no idea why coz its so darn HOT there..!lol..

this years speaker is MIke Pilavachi from England..his youths was once Matt Riedman..if u listen to songs like ‘heart of worship’ yea..its his work..Mike is really really funny..im still laughin from his ‘cakey’ incident..HUGE campers..u will get wad i mean..LOL..he brought four guys from his church in England..and all of them are HOT..lol..ok..im not there becoz of them but i couldnt help it to share it wif the gurls bout this info..LOL..Mike’s sermon is FUNNY yet efective..it relates to youths about commitments to CHrist..and teach us how to pray for healing..and thats rite..God’s presence was always there, i mean it.seriously.on the third day. we were all praying for healing for those whom are sick..and many miracles happened all because of the grace of GOD..awesome..!

the place where we bunk in to ’sleep’ lol..in huge camp..we dun sleep..we just nap..LOl..the whole thing the camp is located in Melaka Watercity Resort..awesome place to stay..the apartments were clean..spacious n overall very comfortable so far..!the food is okie there..as long we havv food..its alrite!we get the special privileage of bunking in with the indonesian BAND members n wife..the PSALLO BAND..coolness..lol..there her name is Agnes..she’s an INDON chinese..incredibly pretty and she plays the keyboard!! Cecil n Lisa..they’re both very very nice n they’re both wifes of the band members..

tlaking bout their concert held every nite in the hall..was totally AWESOME!! they’re songs really shake the heaven..new level of worship..i bet the angels were rejoicing n banging their heads to the songs..awesome..

after that we have a trip to melaka city…did i hear sum groanin in the background?seriously..i enjoyed it coz iTS MELAKA..!lol..no sarcastic tone this time..!iM ACTUALLY craving for their CENDOL!!!! super delicious…!hmm….i miss it laaaa…and my crazy youth pastor n sum guys form my church bought swords and stufs..fake ones to ease their egos..LOL..

aww did i see n hear sumone sighing now?aww..its okie if u din make it for this year..its alrite..!lets wait for the upcoming one in december next year..make sure u book that day and i’ll think i c u next year?*if my semester break is on december..anyhow..just go and experience it..!

peace out!

just came back not long ago after a school prom!

wow..it was fun but was totally tiring..(duhh..) i came back from H.U.G.E camp ‘06 at 5.30pm and need to leave the house at 6pm for the prom..LOL..(more stories on HUGE CAMP later) so my friend came n picked me up and we finally left the house at 6.20pm..lol. i thought we’re gonna be super late beccause its raining..and that place would heavily jammed up. Thank God..it happens that we reached in time!lol..and we waited at the lobby.i thought i was goin to be alone without knowing anyone at all..thank God again..lol..i met my 1st fren, huay yann a guy in the lobby..wow..wad a relieve!lol..then later another gurlfren with her guy came in..

later, we went to the ballroom..then i met many more ppl..lol i met new frens..berlin, riyana..n tino..they’re like so cool..really frenly n nice!i give thanks again..bcoz i get to sit with berlin!lol..and her date*wink if ur reading this!lolhe’s really SIAO..and i mean it..lol but he’s so fun!i was not bored at all..five bands perform..and the 1st wan was the skool band..!it was super cool with bagpipes!lol..i wonder if they could add the skirts!lol..its b so sexy!lol..JK la..then  the 2nd wan was not gd coz of the sound engineers..they could not balance the sound n there was lots of feedbacks.but the rest was super cool..!!!lol..there’s this one plump guy, but when he sang..his voice is sooo…nice!awesome. but then after that ..there’s one performance on a gurl singing cranberry song..she sang in tune..but expressionless..not gd..LOL..then sat few chairs b4 me. was this guy..X he was quiet.he’s a fren of my date. he was looking at N, hu’s Z’s date.and i think..oh wow..LOL..i disturb that X..lol the food was nice! really cool.

then it came the dance after all the dinner n stuffs.hahahaha..this is where the crazy part starts. i din wanna dance until i siao..when out with N and everybody start jumping with HIGH HEELS. imagine..pei wern hu dun even walk properly with high heels, jumping around with it.dance!lol..then saw T, ex bf of my fren..i dun really noe him but since i duno much ppl there,we all dance together..so funny..it was awesome!no ones looking but the floor’s like so small..but everyone step into it and dance their heart OUT..and i mean it.(sorry, i din noe i could dance..)LOL with awesome DJ he plays good music..SALUTE!

but one thing i couldnt tahan is when they dance the urls..not all but loads of them..they wore revealing clothes..well..i nearly got nosebleed..imagine..gurls got nosebleeds wattabout guys?..hmm no wonder they keep goin inside the toilets..lol!!!! (ok..im sick)there’s this gurl, she wore a dress so short..u can see her panties..serious..others, why bother to wear? their cleavage spills out like any second it can pop out from her dress.sum dress so transparent, better buy a packet of tissues..and cover it using tissues.LOL…but alot dressed really really CUTE N HOT.but remember, HOt n CHEAP..there’s a fine line between it..

OK..enuf bout the clothes..remember i’ve told u bout X, the quiet, cool guy? i ask him to go to the dance floor, he went and later i asked him to dance with me n my frens la..so funny! then came slow song.i wanna walk away, but then he was in front of me. so i danced with him..he got crazy when it came to one chorus, he lifted me up.(yeap..from my waist) i was completely shock to the core.. i screamed but it was to noisy so ppl were not paying any attention at all..and in a split second, my specs was tangled into my frens hair..!!!!lol..then it caMe out fast la..lol we both apologised but end up dancing again..however, N was having stomachache..duno wad happened to her..then she came back we dance together again.

after bout an hour of dancing..i danced with a guy hu no ones wanna dance with him.he’s a nerd.aww..LOL..its ok..its gd too give ppl a chance to anyway. teach him how lo.lol..it was funny. then later everything ended, then the VICTORIANS did their ‘dance’.LOL..it was great..LOL..experience.

later, everyone wished everyone goodbye..hugs n kisses were exchanged.yeap..oh yea,while ppl were dancing..they grind n bump..its scary..and kissing n snogging..remember..we’re all just 17..wow..sum gurls are hot sumore they grind with the guys..its a scene that u not want to see but u seen it coz its in front of you.*shudders…

then came X again..after wishing everyone gnite, i hugged my frens then X. everyone gave me a normal hug..i tot he would too but instead of that..he hugged n carried me up in front of everybody, in the middle of the ballroom, when all the house LIGHTS were ON. i screamed..and laugh..finally. haha..so in the end get their nums n stuffs..its time to go home..so here i am..writing to you bout wad happened in this 3rd time prom of mine.

i went to my 1st prom when i was 15 years old.it was ok.then the 2nd one was glamorous then this one finally ..was the best one because i am finally 17.i can fully understand how n why ppl tend to have fun in proms and some not.when its time its time.

thanks everyone(especially ry), and thank GOD for this day.

peace out.